This is me

Sometimes life gets a little stale. And the days feel lukewarm. I am always on the fence about so many things. Like, nearly everything that I come face to face with. Because I am a big ball of nerves and indecisiveness. {For a more buoyant take on my indecisiveness: I don’t know} But when it all comes down to it, I need to stop doubting and just do.

I think I made too many mistakes earlier in my life so I fear every decision I make is going to be the wrong one. Or that I’m going to screw up and fail. Again. Because that’s just what I did. All the freaking time. And I didn’t have anyone there to help me pick up the pieces or lend a pillar of support. People were quick to judge. Quick to hate. And quick to scoff and scold. So I was left with very little self-confidence and a whole lot of fear. I was young. I was stupid. And I was a mess. But I was also intelligent. Strong. And faithful. Although, somehow those got shuffled off into no-man’s land when they were most needed. So my adolescence came with a lot of hard lessons. And moments of truth that left imprints on my soul. I work hard every day to conquer the imprints. Because I still carry some with me; a heavy burden that I just can’t shake. It’s a difficult path in life if you walk with people who are constantly doubting you. Or failing to lift you up when you need it most. So a handful of my painful mistakes are reminders that I must be careful with my steps. Very, very careful. Many leave me with feelings of regret. But regret is evil. It’s consuming. Powerful in every wrong way. And absolutely debilitating. It’s an energy that works against you and is responsible for sucking the life out of you ounce by ounce. This is me. Because I’m not strong enough to stop it. So I’m working on that. Have been for quite some time. But it’s hard. So very hard.

It frustrates me that I’m able to let my past overcome me instead of me being able to overcome my past. So I’m trying to be more intentional about my confidence. My current state of mind. And my greatness. I started a new book a few days ago. You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. A New York Times Bestseller. You may or may not be familiar with it. A book on how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. Yep. This is me. It echoes sentiments that I need. I value. And I dream. I’ve been a big advocate for self-help literature for many years. I started reading these kinds of books my freshman year of college. During a time of major life change and transformation. And a period when I was aimlessly wandering around this earth, looking for some kind of identity and purpose. I’m still kind of wandering around aimlessly looking for purpose but at least I have an identity. {One out of three is something. Right?} Any time I read a book like this, I always make it a goal to take at least one specific idea, find relation in my life and live it out with truth. Well, this book has so many that I’m constantly finding myself nodding and screaming {inside} oh my God, yes! This is it! Thank goodness it’s an internal tendency. Because my husband might legitimately question what I’m actually doing up in the bedroom…without him. 😉 I’ve been on the fence {surprise} about a few things lately. And I was faithfully looking hunting down praying for a few signs to point me in the right direction and help me make a solid decision. The very day I started this book, I was given multiple flags. And I think the book itself was the obvious trigger. Then oddly, the other three came from each of my posse. My husband. My son. And my daughter. Which was kind of alarming since she’s not even two years old yet. But somehow she gave off her own vibe. At least I think it was a vibe. It may have just been the pinto beans she ate that day. But either way, she had some contribution. So I went with it. Maybe they were coincidental occurrences. But as Albert Einstein once observed, coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous. So I’m going to take those as my celestial signs to stop doubting my greatness and start living an awesome life. Because my comfort zone is kind of stagnant.

If you’re struggling with some of these same thoughts or feelings, then I highly recommend this book. Run. Don’t walk. It’ll be worth it if it means giving your spirit a bold new beginning. Be a badass. And give yourself the kind of assurance you deserve. Because this is me. No more regrets. And if I can make the promise, so can you. Let’s do this! Faith over fear.