I want to do it all. I also want to do absolutely nothing. Ever had those days??! Because I’m kind of fading away in that feeling right now. So I’m taking it as a sign that I need to reset and refocus.
A recent series of troubling news and unfortunate events have slowly caused me to stagger until I’ve become too tired to stand. My heart aches for several people in different areas of my life. People who are struggling with the awful things they’ve been left with. My mind is tired from the worry, the concern and the fear. And my body is exhausted from trying to do it all. So now I’m feeling unstable, unfocused and unwilling.
We are so conditioned to believe we have to do it all. That we must do it all. Because if we don’t, then we fail. Or we’re deemed lazy. Or unfit. Why is that? Is that an expectation that we’ve placed upon ourselves? Perhaps initiated by society? Fueled by the media? Regardless, I’m really not a fan. I hate feeling like we can’t take the time we might need for ourselves without feeling the pressures of the unforgiving world around us. And I must admit, I am entirely guilty of letting myself get robbed by the relentless. But I was recently reminded that self-care is so important! And that it’s absolutely okay to spend a little time doing nothing. Except tending to ourselves. I still cringe as I write that out. Because when I think back to the days where I had all the time in the world to take care of myself, I didn’t do such a good job. So the thought of trying to really TAKE CARE OF MYSELF in deeper doses is daunting. I don’t think I know how to stop. And be still. But I’m going to try. All while maintaining the chaotic schedule of my crew. Because even though I want need to give myself some rest, I also can’t bring myself to do it at the expense of others. So I’m going to sneak in what I can. Turning away from my phone earlier in the evening. Crawling into bed sooner. Taking a few days off from my early morning workouts. Declining social invites. Spending more time in quiet prayer. And finding increased peace in the present. In my mind, these seem to stack up to some super simple steps at finding my stability again. And while they seem so easy, I know that I’ll still feel conflicted. Because these are not habits I’m very familiar with. However, my daily intent is to live a more harmonious life. Which includes recognizing when I need to hit reset. And while none of us will ever be entirely free of the blinding bonds that sometimes prevent us from standing on solid ground. I am fairly certain that we can deliberately will ourselves to push that button and beckon for a better balance.
I am no stranger to the model of health and the importance of maintaining all its components; physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. In fact, my undergraduate degree suggests I should be a well-educated individual in that area. And I am. But I am not a real champion at always practicing what I preach. So if anyone is going to take me serious (including myself) then it’s time to shift my focus. Recharge. Rest. And return.